“Would you rather be wanted or needed by someone?”
“Would you rather want or need someone?”
For me, the answers were simple. I’d rather someone want me. I’d rather want someone. When you need someone, they have too much power over your life. The word “need,” alone makes me uncomfortable in relation to another human being, especially when it comes to romance. “Circumstances in which something is necessary, or that require some course of action; necessity.” That’s the definition of need. When you NEED someone, it can seem like a matter of life and death. That’s a very scary thing. At least that’s what I initially thought until a friend of mine helped me view needing someone as well…a necessity to a healthy, loving relationship.
Whether you want to admit it or not, we all need each other to a certain degree. We NEED doctors to diagnose us when we’re sick. We NEED the train conductor to show up to work alert and on time to get us to our jobs safely. If the conductor is late, then so are we. We need the a**hole in Starbuck’s to make up his mind already. No, we won’t die, but we’d be very annoyed and the decisions of others will impact us to some degree. The same goes for relationships.
Adults in today’s society are taught to be fiercely independent. We seek an education, to obtain a job and then date in your spare time. Marriage has become an achievement that few are embarking on, with just 51% of Americans tying the knot compared to 72% in 1970. While independence and self sufficiency is always good, there was something that worked about relationships from back in the day that isn’t present today.
Back then, couples worked more as a unit. This wasn’t due to compromising and principals, but survival. If each mate neglected to hold up their end of the bargain, all hell would break loose. The kids wouldn’t be fed and the bills might not get paid. The entire house could fall apart.
My friend got me to realize that needing someone in a relationship isn’t a bad thing. Let’s use the example of health and wellness. Many of us are self starters, but the average person needs a little motivation. You NEED to see someone working out regularly. You NEED an accountability partner. You NEED to see someone who has achieved their fitness goals already. Otherwise your chances of committing to yours are very slim.
Perhaps the new-age attitude of not needing a mate to survive is why I responded in the manner I did to the question of needing vs. wanting. With online dating and social media, it appears that millions of people are at our disposal. If we don’t like someone, we log onto an app of some sort and could meet someone near us in less than 20 minutes. The reality is that we should all prefer for our mate to need us, and prefer to dig someone who we need. I’m not talking about needing them to the point of not being able to function if they were to leave, but to improve our quality of life. To want something implies that it has an expiration date. “I want a new pair of shoes.” Once purchased, you move on to the next thing that you desire at the moment.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we just weren’t created to be alone. Am I saying that we need to go back to the old way of doing things? Not necessarily. But it doesn’t hurt to make yourself a bit more vulnerable to the one you love.
Just my two cents.
shantelljamison.com 