“Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone, and hurt them to the bone, but you can feel self-righteous about it at the same time” – Dave Van Ronk

So, I’ve been single for a while now, which is an adjustment in itself. Needless to say the dating realm has changed a bit since I left it five years ago to take a stab at true love and pure monogamy. Grown ass men who live at home with their moms find nothing wrong with a woman chauffeuring them around and apparently coming over to “chill” has replaced the acceptable dinner and a movie activity for a first date. It’s been quite….interesting to say the least.

Why “coming through to chill is bad.”

The one thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that people still lie or “withhold certain information.” Now I’m used to the lies or embellishments about my potential boyfriend’s/mate’s/boo’s career. Saying that you’re the head of department security when you’re really a security guard at a department store is okay with me. Hell, I even excuse it and brush it off as a minor act to impress me. But lying about children that you’ve birthed into the world, that’s where the line needs to be drawn.

A little bit ago I decided to hop back into the dating game.  So I started at the most natural place, the friend of a friend who you really aren’t head over heels for but you need to get back in the game pool.  Before you even think it, no I didn’t play with anyone’s emotions. Guys wanted a shot with me and I wanted to date so we made it happen. I’d like to think of it as a mutually beneficial exchange. From this pool, one guy stood out to me in particular. We began to get close; spending lots of time together, but I could never fully let my guard down with him. Call it intuition, but something just wasn’t right.

About four months into us hanging out, we were randomly having a conversation about abortions. I’m relatively blunt, so I asked him if he ever got a girl pregnant and aborted the child. He looked at me and said “almost, but she miscarried.” He went on to tell me that this happened a few months ago, and that the relationship suffered because of it. I nodded and we switched the conversation. Then, out of nowhere, as if he’d been waiting to tell me the truth the entire time, he says “you know she called and told me that she thought that she had a miscarriage but she’s actually still pregnant.” Go figure. I just looked at him. “You have a baby on the way? When is the baby due?” “Next month.” I was shocked, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. After all, I had no idea when he found out about this. Naturally that was my next question. “I’ve known for about 2 1/2 months now.” Okay benefit of the doubt going straight out of the window in 3, 2,….

To make matters worse, he then proceeds to tell me his philosophy on informing those of his seeds.”My mom doesn’t even know, neither does the rest of my family. I don’t tell anyone that I have a baby on the way until it’s born because it might die you know.” Wow. I don’t know what the hell he was thinking. I sure wasn’t going to stick around the find out. For all I know we’d be in a relationship and a month later he tells me he has a child that was born yesterday. That’s IF he would tell me at all! Needless to say I stopped seeing him and as expected he took on this “at least I was honest so you should thank me” attitude.

Even though he wasn’t honest in the beginning, he ended up telling the truth at the end. Unfortunately that did nothing to get him further ahead with me. See,what people have to realize is that honesty isn’t an exception to the rule nor does it warrant you a badge of honor. It should be the rule no matter how difficult things may get. Whenever someone’s honest with me I have two reactions: 1. Thankful for them giving me the choice to continue or (not) to be involved with them —given the information presented and 2. Getting them to understand that just because they were honest with me, doesn’t require me to be any more accepting and tolerate of the situation. Honesty may not seem rewarding to the person dishing out the cold hard truth but believe it or not, you’re saving yourself a lot of trouble. However, how honest one should be is another question. Because ultimately, you just might lose that person; which I believe is the main reason why people lie in the first place… In the end, the truth always comes out no matter how much you try to hide it. So I ask you my friends: How honest is TOO honest?

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