It’s the New Year and everybody and their mama is vowing to either lose weight, get a new job and/or leave all of the drama behind. Whatever it is, you’re motivated to change certain behaviors in order to have a better quality of life. I’m going to leave the weight loss tips up to Jillian Michaels, but there is one resolution that many will make this year that I’d like to address; letting go of old love and sticking to it.

The thing about exes is that they have a funny way of popping back up usually when you’re just about over them. It’s as if they each personally get some kind of alert that you’re moving on and actually are doing quite well. They send you that “hey what’s up” text or want to return an old ass sweater that you’ve been trying to get them to give back to you for the last six months. Add the fact that it’s “cuffing season,” chances are that your phone and Facebook inbox is blowing up.

Cuffing season is the much joked about but very real time of the year where old boos, new boos and hopeful boos want to be down. It’s cold, everyone wants a snuggle buddy, and the reality is that if we’re single, snowy nights can get a bit lonely. That undeserving a**hole might stand a chance of getting back in good. As we close off another year, I wanted to share some tips on how to go about letting go of old people and making sure that you don’t let them back into your life.

Letting go of someone you love is one of the most difficult things to do. Whether three months or three years, it’s never easy to erase moments spent with someone whom you’ve invested emotional, physical, financial and mental time into. No one wants to see relationships end, but unfortunately the cold hard reality is that they do. Having been the victim of the ex pop up several times, I’ve developed some pretty effective practices to avoid letting them back in. Here are a few.

Remember Why It Didn’t Work Out in the First Place

Whenever an ex comes back we always gravitate towards all of the good things that took place during the relationship. We think of how they made us feel at our highest points without ever acknowledging the lows. By recognizing your vulnerability to promises of a better “this time around” you’re allowing yourself to be proactive in not slipping back into the habit. The most important thing to do is to remember why you broke up in the first place. The same issues and reasons why it didn’t work the first time will most likely be present, especially if they are fundamental character traits. I’m not saying that no one should ever get back together but it’s
critical that you think about the good, the bad and the ugly of the scenario.

Trust Your Intuition

Relationships, if done right, usually result in an array of thoughts and emotions but confusion should not be one of them. In order to avoid the yo-yo phenomenon, you have to develop sound judgment and connect with your intuition. Nurturing your inner self and establishing an honest, fulfilling relationship with your conscience will take time and lots of practice, but it’s worth the
work in order to truly know who you should and should not give your time to.

Forgive Them and Yourself

The true root of letting go is closure. Sure we can break up, not talk and even entertain other people, but that’s all in vain if you have not made peace with the situation. You have to forgive yourself and the other person for the situation not working out. This means recognizing that we all make mistakes and pain often comes with that. It just comes with the territory of being human. Stop asking yourself the “Why me?” question. It’s important to think about and evaluate what you could have done better in the relationship, but don’t dwell on it. Move on and put your well-learned lessons into practice the next time around.

The steps above will not only help you to let go of unhealthy exes, but will allow you the chance to attract the love that you truly deserve. Now I’m not saying that people are fools for giving people second chances; some people deserve them. Just don’t let someone from your past stop you from experiencing joyous new love. Peace and good luck in 2013!


  1. Shantell, thank you so much for this reaffirmation. Looks like my conscience patience is wearing thin now for constantly reiterating to my heart this very same sentiment you just shared with your readers. Hey, matters of the heart can be difficult to control sometimes :). But what better way to read this in black and white. It feels like you’re shaking the hell out of me and saying………….”Look girl, get yo self together, it’s not that serious! I know it hurts but you’re a woman, you’re strong, you’re beautiful, you should want more and deserve better, more than you give yourself credit for. It’s not like you’ve never been through this before but with time, this too shall pass. Get it together NOW!”

    The good thing about starting a new year is that you have the chance to learn from your mistakes and start all over again with a better perspective on things. I’ve come to realize that No year is ever the same as the last. No matter how much we may want someone, we can’t force or change anyone but to continue to be ourselves, never let the past affect our future and to take life experiences as lessons and not failures. We’ll always remember the good and the not so good times we shared with that person but nothing is better than creating new memories with the future. Bless you Shantell and Happy New Year!

    1. Lol glad that I was able to help out. It’s not easy, but your heart and peace of mind will thank you later. I truly do believe in second chances for some. If they didn’t do you wrong and things just did not work out due to bad timing or any other reason that you can get past, by all means go for it. It’s just that in my experience, the losers and toxic individuals return more often than the good ones; but hey that’s life right? Good luck in love! You’ll find it 🙂

  2. Good stuff, Shan. You make a really good point about what we remember about old relationships. We tend to remember most things better than they actually were. Then we allow those feelings of nostalgia and familiarity to take the place of logic and intuition. I think we want it to work with some people because it seems easier to work through the issues we already know exist in that situation than to figure out what some knew person’s “issues” are and work through those. At least with an ex, we KNOW what we’re dealing with already. It’s hard. But you have to be courageous enough to get to know someone new. Familiarity is not always safety.

    1. Exactly. We tend to stick with the familiar in all aspects of our lives. Especially when it comes to love and work. It can really hinder us from experiencing all that life has to offer and causes us to settle more than not. Thanks for commenting!

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