“You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.” ― Amy Carmichael

I was having a conversation with a client recently. She disclosed that she was having issues with her significant other, because he wanted to love her how he wished to. Every time she would attempt to communicate what she needed to feel loved, he’d scream, “I’m gonna love you like how I see fit!”


In the beginning of their relationship, he’d send “Good morning” texts, call to say he was thinking about her, and/or thank her for all that she did for him and others. Then, like many people tend to do, he got comfortable. The calls slowed down, she wouldn’t hear from him for hours when she text messaged him, and he no longer thanked her for acts of kindness. Mind you, they’re not married and do not live together.

The first question I asked after finding out that my client did attempt to communicate her needs to her mate was whether or not she loved her man how he required. Without hesitation she said, “His love language is physical touch through sex. Yes.”

They have a problem, but it’s quite common.

See, people often experience tension in their relationship when they do not feel heard. A big issue in romantic partnerships has to do with fulfillment, and if you love someone the way that YOU wish to be loved, there’s a big chance that you’re overlooking how they NEED to be loved. You liking for someone to blow up your phone all of the time does not signal for you to constantly bother your mate. Not liking to be complimented does not mean that you do not bless your mate with kind words of affirmation.

I get it. Most of us have been taught to treat people how we wish to be treated. As nice of a gesture as the saying is, it is severally flawed. Everyone is not the same. There is no “one size fits all” manual for relationships. It is quite insulting to think that you can walk around treating a person how YOU wish to be treated.

The best form of love is paying attention. Listen to your mate and realistically determine if you are willing and able to love them how they need to be loved. If you cannot, then it is time to evaluate whether or not you’re a good fit, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with.

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