“We become aware of the void as we fill it.” – Antonio Porchia
As a life coach, I am constantly exposed to a number of issues both old and new. My clients range from high profile therapists to your average Joe or Jane. Despite my clients representing varying walks of life, one emerging theme that resonates throughout my sessions is their need to fill (and feel) full.
During a routine session a few weeks ago, I uncovered a key aspect regarding one’s need to feel full, or fulfilled. See, voids are a trip. You can yearn so much for something to the point that it literally aches not to have it. That level of emptiness will break even the most persevering person down, and it will drive us to the point of wanting to fill it by any means necessary. And when you do, you still aren’t fulfilled.
I’ve written about the importance of loving yourself before you anyone else can before, so I won’t come from that angle regarding this subject. How I would like to approach the topic of voids is by pointing out just how critical it is to know when you are settling due to feelings of emptiness.
Back to my session a few weeks ago. My client was attempting to figure out why she was hesitant about this guy who she’s been seeing for a little over a month. He’s attentive, consistent, and has made it clear that he wants to build with her—all qualities that she wants in a mate. She acknowledged that while fear has played a role in her not giving other men a chance in the past, that isn’t the case in this instance.
The truth is that he just doesn’t fit.
While no one is perfect, it is super important to distinguish what I refer to as your “void voice” from your voice of want. Your void voice comes from a lack of faith, pain, and desperation. It will have you attempting to make people fit because they resemble who you desire. When you have a void, it can be hard to distinguish a void filler from someone that you truly want.
The void can be very convincing, and anything that remotely looks like what you desire can get plugged in. For example, you want a loyal, consistent, driven, attentive partner, and have committed to not settling for anything less. But when you meet a consistent and driven partner, your void voice tells you to settle for him/her because you may “miss out.” Forget the fact that loyalty is super important to you. After all, two of four qualities should be good enough, right? Nah. How can you miss out on someone who you see as simply “good enough” anyway? I’m not sure about you, but “good enough” has never given me butterflies. I’ve never wanted to wake up to “good enough” or “in the meantime.” That’s just me though.
Below are three key questions to ask yourself when attempting to determine if you are operating via your void voice or your voice of want:
Does this person naturally possess my non-negotiable traits in a mate?
Am I deciding to give them a chance out of loneliness and/or desperation?
Do I lack faith that I will find my ideal partner?
The key to distinguishing your void voice from your voice of want is to determine if you can find joy in a person not possessing certain characteristics. If the traits that you desire in a mate are non-negotiable, then you should only seek authentic romantic connections with people who possess them. It makes no sense to settle for someone who tends to be dishonest if you value integrity, loyalty, and truth. You should not date someone who isn’t consistent simply because they are financially stable.
Your voice of want is the opposite of your void voice. It is very intentional, deliberate, and comes with an abundance of belief. It will not cause you to settle, because you know that who you want is on their way. People settle everyday. Hopefully, you aren’t one of them. Understand that you can have the mate that you desire without settling, and enjoy life as if it has already been written in the meantime, because it has.